Feb 11 2010

meal plan.

Heres the update I know you all have been so eagerly waiting for. I met for my first “real” appointment with the dietician, E, this morning. I was in high anxiety for it, because I really had no idea what to expect going in. Especially after yesterdays the-rapey sesh. Damn. All I can really say is that I am so, absurdly lucky that I have such an amazing treatment team, and support group all of you are amazing, and I love you dearly. If you read my post yesterday, you know where I am at, if you haven’t read it yet. Stop. Go read it, then come back to this post. It all will make a lot more sense. This week has been the “big week” in my treatment planning, because, not only have we completely taken away my right to exercise – yes, I am incredibly bitter about this one – give me a few days and I might have a different perspective. My team has also boosted up my meals focusing specifically creating a mid-day energy boost + focus on keeping me energized throughout the day. I know many people in my life have tagged me as a hypochondriac. shudder. But this week, my after meal pains, were addressed and diagnosed, not as a fear of digestion as many may have believed, but it is know as Delayed Gastric Emptying (GDE) and is quite common in the ED world. See? I am not totally crazy. Actually, it is known as one of the main triggers that causes a person to relapse into their self destructo modes, because it is incredibly painful feeling that happens within 20minutes of eating. All you fools that stated I was exagerating to have reason to purge. haha. It’s nice to for once, prove someone wrong.  As well we are working on eliminating my grumblegrumble need to eliminate meals, per say. In both aspects.

I was given a meal plan, with multiple strategies to reach my calorietic consumption “goals” and to give my little mind ideas to peruse. Now, we all should be gleaming, that the little minorly OCD Kate has a strict plan to go by. This should really be making me excited right? Why isn’t it? Oh, yeah. Because if I don’t follow it… There are some heavy dire options that I am going to be facing… much more than just extended health problems. And they rhyme with “inpatient treatment”. Oh wait. That doesn’t rhyme. Does Anything actually rhyme with those dreaded words that taste like vinegar even to type? Somebody help me with it?!

Moving on… Doctors appointment #2 today. My second EKG in a week. Oh joy. At this point in time, the only thing that doesn’t send me reeling away from my physicians office is the fact that all their MA’s + RN’s are females. Man, EKG’s would be SOOOO awkward if there was a male performing it! Phew. So, bless the good Lord in heaven, my EKG was much better than the one on Friday, but still it was concerning + exercise is still blacklisted. boo. On the other hand, my labs where “normal” whatever that means, but they were on the “low end of normal”… what in the H-bomb does that even mean? Being the pro-active health care consumer that I am, I requested a copy of them and came home and googled the “normal” values that each of my draws were + confirmed that I was indeed in the “low range” of normal, like 2-4% away from being outside of “normal” aka “bad/at risk”. No bueno. I have 9 days before I have to get pricked again. So hopefully, following this “meal plan” and actually, following it… will adjust these results to not so “at risk” results…

Feb 10 2010


Dearest readers, sorry that this past week has been such a lack of originality + home-body-ness in my posts. I have been sick, like, uber sick, like, barely pull my body out of bed to take medication, yet alone begrudgingly make my way to the doctors office sick. Blah. I hate being sick. Its weird to ponder about the times 10 years ago, when we would hope and pray, and wear multiple layers of clothing to bed, just so we could wake up in the morning sweating and having a fever of 100.2* just to stay home and not take the spelling test. Wow, do times sure change. Being an adult and being sick isn’t anything like it was while in school, now it is such a drag. Calling in sick to work, or having to leave work because you literally sound like a barking seal is quite tedious + harmful to ones bank account – not to mention having to sign your life over to the pharmacy and the fact that I might have to sell my liver to pay for all my medical expenses. Thats not still illegal right? I swear they think I am a drug dealer, with the copious amounts of day+nyquil I have purchased in the passed week, it leaves much to their imaginations.

On another front, I am stressing therapeutically. I am in a rough patch. Therapy today really hit the core of my emotional front of ED. My fear, fear drives me to relapse. Fear drives me to not gain weight against my treatment teams demands. Fear drives me to copiously work out for every calorie I eat. However, fear also drove me to therapy. It drove me to desiring to want to get better, to not want to be the “sick girl”. I had a crappy doctors appointment on friday with AR, she did my EKG + my labs, and well they were not good. Like really not good. Despite being sick and having a little leeway on my nutrition, I was scolded – yup, they were that bad. My EKG showed some pretty not good findings, I have to go get another one done tomorrow to confirm though. So not excited. Back to today’s sesh, when I talked to W about this appointment she was pretty amazed that AR didn’t tell me that I am no longer “medically cleared” to work out. At all. That my little heart is in a stage that it literally could go into cardiac arrest if I exert it much. Fabulous. Even though my official diagnosis is EDNOS – Not Otherwise Specified – I have the “most lethal” combination of symptoms. Apparently, with this heart condition, I now met the admission criteria to go inpatient, but thankfully that isn’t in option unless I fail outpatient… Boo, double boo, uber boo. I have yet to meet with E, the dietish, who I will see in the am, who will tack on all fun new sorts of things to my treatment plan, that I am so amazingly excited to follow.

So hear is my mantra for the week, month, year, life… whatever…

Face the fear and do it anyways!

Feb 3 2010

between a rock and a …

I’ve been in this nasty slum lately. I want to recover, yes, yes I do. More than anything but for some reason, mr. ED just takes over and rips my recovery to shreds. Blah. As you’ve read, W gave me the challenge to eat not only one extra meal each day this week, but to also knock one hour of exercising out every other day…. Well… It’s not going so well. Gah, the last thing I want is to be yelled at on Tuesday at my next sesh.. but seriously??? I am only what 2 months in on this whole “recovery as a team” thing… dang. Its hard. Hard. Hard. Hard. All my body wants to ingest it special k, tea + an occasional pop. Thats sure gonna make paper fly with my dietician on Wednesday… whoops!

Blarg. I am overwhelmed. I have an ekg + lab follow up on Friday, which can you guess? I am not excited for either. Is it bad that my main concern about all this is how much mooola its going to set me back? Especially with all of the time I have to take of work to complete these appointments?! I guess my mind just isn’t in the right place yet. But it begs the question. If its not there yet, WHEN WILL IT BE??! I feel stuck. But the little cheerleader that is supposed to holla “Go Kate! Eating is good!!!” is more-so chanting “Work it off, work it off! Weight gain is bad!!” Bugger. Can I just vent, I am freaked out for group tomorrow, it will be my first time going to an EDA one and I reallyreally just want to back out + not go.

On the upside, I got my hair did today. What’da think? Itsn’t it purdy? I think I am going to go in tomorrow afternoon and have a few strands adjusted. But I luvers it. Don’t you?!

Feb 1 2010

recovery is… hard.

Today in my sesh with W, she pointed out that food isn’t my stresser and trigger towards anorexia, its actually my fear of failure and my long standing belief that I just don’t fit in. Surprise?

Since I couldn’t get into see E, the dietitian until the 10th + my disordered eating has been ingrained into my life since the mid 90’s and my metabolism is shot to h.e. double-hockey sticks, W is attempting to get me to commit to A) eating two meals a day, no matter what the size + B) commit to working out 1 hour less every other day.

Breathe. I can do this…

Jan 2 2010

Study finds “maladaptive eating patterns” prevalent among women. Duh.

From the amazing blog the f-word (food.fat.feminism.) by Rachel on 22december09

It’s estimated that some 10 million females and one million males in the U.S. have an eating disorder.  Shocking numbers, but what about those who don’t meet the clinical requirements for a diagnosis?  A new study by the University of Montreal and the Douglas Mental Health University Institute reveals that those kinds of cases may be more prevalent than you might think.

Investigators completed a phone survey of 1,501 women.  The average age of these urban-dwelling participants was 31, the majority of respondents were non-smokers and university graduates.  Not one participant was classified as having anorexia.  Researchers found that some 13.7 percent of women interviewed reported binge eating one to five days or one to seven times per month; 28 percent of women completed intense exercise twice a month with the sole objective of losing weight or influencing it; and 2.5 percent of women reported forcing themselves to vomit, use laxatives or use diuretics to maintain their weight or shape.    The study also established a link between problematic eating behaviors and self-rated health.  In other words, disordered eating behaviors are more likely to occur in women who perceived themselves to be in poor health (considering the daily barrage fat people are subjected to in which they’re constantly told that they’re one doughnut away from death’s door regardless of actual health, is it surprising, that disordered eating is more prevalent among those who perceive themselves to be unhealthy?).  In all, researchers found that “maladaptive” or disordered eating behaviors and attitudes affected 10 to 15 percent of the women.  The study is published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders.

“Our results are disquieting,” says Lise Gauvin, a professor at the Université de Montréal Department of Social and Preventive Medicine.  “Women are exposed to many contradictory messages. They are encouraged to lose weight yet also encouraged to eat for the simple pleasure of it.”

“We practice a sport for the pleasure it provides, to feel good, but when the activity is done to gain control over one’s weight and figure, it is indicative of someone who could be excessively concerned about their weight,” says Gauvin. “Our data suggests that a proportion of the female population displays maladaptive eating patterns.

This study is actually quite conservative in its estimates, owing perhaps to the relatively small sample size and demographic polled.  A recent online survey of 4,023 women by Self magazine in partnership with the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill revealed that 65 percent of American women ages 25-45 harbor some degree of disordered eating and that another 10 percent suffer from an outright eating disorder.  Even more frightening is that53 percent of the respondents said they were already at a healthy weight and were still trying to lose more!  For a breakdown of those results, read here.

So, what distinguishes disordered eating from the occasional quirky eating?  In a nutshell, it’s the purpose and consistency behind the behavior and whether or not the person maintains a sense of free choice with regard to eating behaviors.  The greater problem now is not only the prevalence of disordered eating; it’s the fact that disordered eating has become normalized and repackaged as healthy eating.  Carbohydrate restriction, obsessive calorie counting, strict food rules, thinking inordinately about food, daily weigh-ins, eating a lot of no- or low-calorie foods, adopting a vegetarian or vegan diet solely for weight loss, juice or water fasting, taking diet supplements to encourage weight loss… how many of these helpful “health” tips have you seen recommended by commercial diet programs, health magazines and even doctors and nutritionists?

It’s important to note that not all who have disordered eating will go on to develop an eating disorder.  While I consider disordered eating to be mostly a cultural phenomenon, eating disorders have been shown to have far more complex origins, including biological and genetic factors.  But considering that most eating disorders begin as a simple diet gone horribly awry, these findings take on an entirely new significance.  After all, it only takes one misstep for those already teetering on the edge of extremity to fall down the rabbit hole.