Jun 6 2010

lead me.

A few weeks ago, Sawyer sent me this song {Lead Me, by Sanctus Real}, I honestly had no idea how it would effect me prior to listening to it. I really didn’t expect it to draw the emotional response that it did. Every once in a while you hear the lyrics to a song, and it draws you back into a moment where God changed everything, he changed the people, he changed the environment, he changed rules, heck, he even changed the court the game was played on. You wake up one morning + everything is different. Sometimes its for the better, sometimes it seems like the change is a looming axe waiting to strike. Sometimes, you really have no idea what exactly changed – but you can feel it. The lines “Lead me with strong hands, Stand up when I can’t” + “Show me you’re willing to fight, That I’m still the love of your life” drew me back to the struggles that our relationship + lives faced this past fall, prior to our engagement, I faced some giants that I really did not think I could fight. And he didn’t run. He fought for me. He helped me fight a battle that I really struggled to fight. He fought for me, when anyone else wound have high-tailed it + left me to collaspe under the weight of it all. He fought for me when I couldn’t do it alone.

After listening to this song on replay for over an hour, I came to the conclusion that this song embodies our relationship. Not that we are/or were in a state that we wanted/felt the desire to give up. But that our relationship is I triad of support – leading + giving emotional, physical + spiritual support to each other + leaning on + clinging to what comes from out Lord and Father.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone.

Lead Me. Sanctus Real.

Apr 10 2010

it’s a god thing.

God is faithful. God provides.

1.2.3 – stirkes? homeruns? And your out? Or is it a good thing? I really know nothing about baseball… but one word: wow. That’s all I got to describe this week. God is awesome. God has really done so much in my life this week that really lined up alot of great things to come.

educationally. I took my state exams for my cerification as a Nursing Assistant, I was so incredibly stressed for these (two tests: skills + written) + this past week God eased away my anxiety. And honesty, just not being sickly anxious over them was a miracle within itself. I am about 95% confident that I passed the exams, but I will find out sometime within the next week.
financially. I had a job interview on Wednesday for a job I had been eyeing for quite some time, the position is a CNA at a crisis center for teens. I went into the interview nervous (who is ever really calm for an interview, anyways?), but God started laying out the domino’s as I walked into the room. I sat down with the interviewer as he pulls out my resume from the stack of other applicants, I could already feel my self sweating in the chilly room. Here’s the dialouge:

interviewer: Oh, you are the one that graduated from ICS.
me: Yes, that is me.
interviewer: I love that school. I used to go to church up in that same building.
me: {baffled} I as well.
interviewer: I thats awesome, I switched churches when a few friends of mine decided to take part in a West Jordan church plant, Lifeline Community. Heard of it?
me: Yes, I have, I worked a few services in their nursery when they rented out the Jordan Landing Cinema. My really good friends Eric + Carla go there, I used to babysit for them all the time.
interviewer: Seriously? They are my best friends. If I may ask, which church do you go to now?
me: Capital Church, up  by the University.
interviewer: Oh,  thats right, I remember reading in your resume you work up there too. That’s awesome.
me: Yes, I love it up there.
interviewer: I just referred some friends of mine up there.  I love their pastor’s family.
interviewer:{flips through my resume} Actually, I know a few of your reffrences personally.
me: Seriously? Wow, small Christian community.
interviewer: If HR let me hire during interviews I would hire you right now, but, I will call you on Friday with a job offer. God bless!

Wow. God, how could your hands not be ALL OVER that one? ps. you rock!! I got the call + I got it! (yay for a job that requires both of my degrees!)

medically. This week was a big one medically, and it went really really well. For the first time in a looong time this babe has gaing x lbs + kept it on for 1 whole  month!!! … don’t judge me, its an accomplishment. Also, I had another EKG, and this time – it was spectacular! Peace out T-wave abnormality + potassium depletion evilness! My very proud doctors gave me my exercise back too! And, I don’t have to come back for 2 whole months, not this every 2 weeks dealio that I have lived with for the past 3 months. Which is crazy awesome, I mean, I have been there sooo often that my sweet MA knows more about my personal life than I think I do… each time she asks me about my wedding plans.

In honor of my accomplishments, I am going to eat this delishness! (:

(Judy – orange cream cookie from My Dough Girl – best cookies in the SL Valley. Hands Down!)

Apr 5 2010

Χριστός Ανέστη!! Christos Anesti!!!

what happens when you take men to a easter brunch...

Christ has risen!

Happy Easter ya’ll! I hope you all had a fabulous day celebrating the resurrection of Christ! If you haven’t read the story I posted yesterday… you really should, it really puts entire Easter “season” into perspective.

Love you all. God Bless!

Ἀληθῶς ἀνέστη! Alithos anesti!

He has risen indeed!

Apr 2 2010

good friday.

We may never truly realize the enormous price God paid in giving His Son to die for us. But let us never forget this ultimate sacrifice.

Its Good Friday, 2 days before Easter. Two days before the 2000 + some odd year anniversary of Life conqouring Death.  There are so many people in this world that have no idea behind the meaning of Easter, or even the meaning/need for the sacrifice that was made; I found this story a few years ago + love to pull it out every Easter because it really sets my own life + my own faith, into perspective, maybe it will do the same for you.


The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio. You hear a little blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly, strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before. It’s not influenza, but three or four fellows are dead, and it’s kind of interesting, and they’re sending some doctors over there to investigate it.

You don’t think much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you hear another radio spot. Only they say it’s not three villagers, it’s 30,000 villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it’s on TV that night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.

By Monday morning when you get up, it’s the lead story. For it’s not just India, it’s Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you’re hearing this story everywhere and they have coined it now as “the mystery flu”. The President has made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will go well over there. But everyone is wondering, “How are we going to contain it?” That’s when the President of France makes an announcement that shocks Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of the countries where this thing has been seen.

And that’s why that night when you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to bed, your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a French news program into English: “There’s a man lying in a hospital in Paris dying of the mystery flu.” It has come to Europe. Panic strikes. As best they can tell, once you get it, you have it for a week and you don’t know it. Then you have four days of unbelievable symptoms. And then you die. Britain closes it’s borders, but it’s too late. South Hampton, Liverpool, North Hampton.

It’s Tuesday morning when the President of the United States makes the following announcement: “Due to a national security risk, all flights to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled. If your loved ones are overseas, I’m sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing.”

Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about what if it comes to this country, and preachers on Tuesday are saying, “It’s the scourge of God.”

It’s Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody runs in from the parking lot and says, “Turn on a radio, turn on a radio.” And while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made. “Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from the mystery flu.” Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working. California. Oregon. Arizona. Florida. Massachusetts. It’s as though it’s just sweeping in from the borders.

And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It’s going to take the blood of somebody who hasn’t been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one simple thing: “Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken. That’s all we ask of you. And when you hear the sirens go off in your neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the hospitals.”

Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they’ve got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, “Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home.”

You stand around scared with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on, and that this is the end of the world. Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He’s yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, “Daddy, that’s me.”

Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. “Wait a minute, hold it!” And they say, “It’s okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure he doesn’t have the disease. We think he has got the right type.” Five tense minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another – some are even laughing. It’s the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, “Thank you, sir. Your son’s blood type is perfect. It’s clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine.”

As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying. But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, “May we see you for a moment? We didn’t realize that the donor would be a minor and we need . . . we need you to sign a consent form.”

You begin to sign and then you see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty. “H-h-h-how many pints?”

And that is when the old doctor’s smile fades and he says, “We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren’t prepared. We need it all!”

“But – but…”

“You don’t understand. We are talking about the world here. Please sign. We – we need it all – we need it all!”

“But can’t you give him a transfusion?”

“If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you sign?”

In numb silence you do. Then they say, “Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?”

Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, “Daddy? Mommy? What’s going on?” Can you take his hands and say, “Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything happen to you that didn’t just have to be. Do you understand that?”

And when that old doctor comes back in and says, “I’m sorry, we’ve – we’ve got to get started. People all over the world are dying.” Can you leave? Can you walk out while he is saying, “Dad? Mom? Dad? Why – why have you forsaken me?”

And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some folks sleep through it, and some folks don’t even come because they go to the lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care. Would you want to jump up and say, “MY SON DIED! DON’T YOU CARE?”

Is that what He wants to say? “MY SON DIED. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE?”

“Father, seeing it from your eyes breaks our hearts.

Maybe now we can begin to comprehend the great love you have for us. Amen.”

Feb 17 2010

lent. giving up, giving up.

Today marks the first day of lent, I have had many of people ask what I would be “giving up” this year. Now, I have thought long and hard about what I potentially could remove from my diet/life for the next 40 days. And well, I am kinda coming up empty handed on items that I can rationally relinquish without being scolded by E + W…

So this year, instead of giving up items like meat or sugar, I am giving up, giving up. There have been days over the past few weeks when I have just sat around and let my mind wander with a case of the “f*** its”. Days, when all of the progress I have made in my grumblegrumble weight gain… feels like just another sign of my weakness and bad relationship with food. Ugh. To be honest, I really any not enjoying that extra x lbs… I should however. So, people, my lovely amazing beautiful support group; catch me and hold me accountable, because for the next 40 days – I commit to not give up on recovery{or life}, because, really its a dern struggle