Nov 24 2009

daddy.

Dearest Daddy,

Your 55 today, Its official your a senior citizen! We all have been eagerly awaiting the day that you can pull the 15% discount at IHOP for the rest of us. You’ve lead quite the exciting life, through which us kids were able to travel the globe to be by your side. I’ll never forget the days of Air Force Bratism that we all shared.

dad&kateYears you spent as my Dad. Oh, how I loved those years. I know I didn’t always show it well, as a matter of fact, often I showed it poorly, but I really did love having you as my Dad. You are an amazing father & friend. Thank you for being their for us as we grew – I know I have not been the best/easiest child to live with, but thank you for never leaving us, we all take for granted how much we have been able to experience by being able to live in a 2 parent household. I value you your input & cherish every moment that I have been able to come to you for support. Even from an early age you were the best snuggler (even if you feel asleep too ;) Thanks for being the humor of the family, whether you are the butt of it, or you’ve made someone else it for a day. Somehow it never gets old.

All those times you helped me out, and let me pay you back by doing projects with you around the house and yard. I thought you were exploiting me sometimes; I came to learn you were spending time with me. Teaching me. Loving me. Sometimes I got out of control, what a little temper I had, but you had more patience than a monk. Good thing for me.

I’ll never forget some advice you once gave me, simple advice, but good advice: “Don’t do anything stupid.” You told me as I got into my car off to party with some friends. I don’t know if you realized the impact of those words, but every time I forget to think and jump into some idiotic decision those words scroll through my brain. You have kept me from a lot of mistakes (though I have made all too many – and for that, I am deeply sorry). You never stopped me from being able to choose, you never locked me down from making mistakes, but you taught me to learn from them. You let me grow; you let me become a woman on the terms that they needed to happen. You gave me the advice I needed when I needed it – without controlling me. You have always been there to bail my out and rescue me, whether I deserved it or not. You were there, always reminding me that it is through these mistakes we learn – whether its the first or the 50th time, we learn & we move on.

I want you to know how much I love you, how much I look up to you and how grateful and blessed I am, that you are my Dad. It is because of you that I am able to be who I am today. The things you taught me, the strength you gave me, the love you showed me, the life you lived – all of it – is part of who I am, and I cannot thank you enough for everything. Words cannot express how much I love you and what an amazing Dad you have been to me. I love you Dad.

Happy Birthday, to really, the world’s best dad.


Nov 22 2009

please.

Lord,
Please take from me my life, when I don’t have the strength to give it away too you.
-k


Nov 19 2009

catatonic. comatose.

04May08

“I hate you, I never want to see you again. You broke your promise, you broke me.”

The words were even more bitter when they came out of my mouth than they had been while they were inside my head. They stung, like poison as each word hit his ears. I could see it in his face. I tried to run. I needed out. I wanted to be alone – “its too dangerous for you to be alone” I hissed. Crap. He just stood there, in the midst of all of those people, looking at me, like I wasn’t the victim. Yelling was the only thing I could do, Its all I could say each time my voice getting raspier. “Go away” I cried. He did – watching him walk away was the hardest thing to do in my entire life. I was alone, even in the midst of all these people. I couldn’t tell if that is what I really wanted. It hurt, like a stab to the heart. I couldn’t allow myself to think about it – not now, being alone with my thoughts was the worst punishment ever. “It was just a fight Kate, don’t get so worked up about it” I tried to talk myself down. Everyone was going to the movies tonight, “I should go, I need to go”.

05may08

My phone buzzed, continually. Even on silent I knew exactly who it was. “When my emotions calm, I’ll answer it” I didn’t want to talk, I knew that I couldn’t control the words when I was emotional. I called in sick to work. I laid in bed all day. Revolted by my own despair.

08may08

I couldn’t hold out any longer, I answered the call. I was bitter, I was angry. I pulled the card. I just couldn’t hold my tongue. I knew the words burned him worse than third degree. I sat in silence for a minute, maybe more. “How could I have done this? How am I such a horrible person?”I thought silently. All I remember hearing was “Its over” before the dial tone. I loved him, how could I have so quickly let him go? Yes, He hurt me, he broke a promise – but how many have I broken on him? I couldn’t keep myself to my thoughts. I was going to explode, and explode I did.

May, June & July passed slowly, painfully reminding me each day what life was like with no one to turn to. I loved him and yet, I hated him. I had lost my best friend. I was an empty shell of a human walking for over two months. I wouldn’t listen to music, I couldn’t because every song has some nuance that reminded me of him. I didn’t eat, or even sleep much, my days were spent out on the hiking trails, riding my bike, and working myself to the bone – anything that would not remind me of him. I tried everything I could do to make my life devoid of him, like he never existed. I fought tooth & nail to not think of him. I thought that if I removed him from everything I had, burned every last piece of our existence together. I could heal, I had to heal – I had no other options. But the hole never closed. I would wake up screaming cursing my subconscious for dragging himself into my dreams. After a while I began to just not feel. I was catatonic, I was comatose. There was a hole that I couldn’t get anything, anyone to fill – trust me I had my share of trying. It was so painful. I was a train wreck, a massacre that everyone stops to watch. Faking being happy seemed easier than just being mopey. But I had no one fooled. I missed him. I hated myself for it. Each day felt like surviving was a chore more than reward.

04August08

My composition broke. I was empty – but for some reason, I actually knew it, it felt more real than ever before. I knew what would fill it. My heart began to beat again. It was nearly 3 am when I grabbed my computer out of my bag. I pulled up my gmail and began to read all of the emails that I had so once so eagerly archived without reading. I began to feel. I wept. I was overcome by emotion. “How could I have been such a horrible person to allow him to suffer because of me?” I winced, he was in pain. I caused it. Not responding – childish. I loved him, no matter how much I tried to erase him. I hadn’t even corresponded since 21may, yet – somehow deep down I hoped he still loved me too. He had to, otherwise this whole crying myself to sleep each night, waking up crying, being empty was all in vain. I hurried to open all of my chat windows and re-add him. This was his chance. I wasn’t going to push myself onto him. I just had to open the channel in case there was any remote chance he still cared. I had to believe he still did, thats all I had left to count on.

It was only minutes before his name popped up in my little signed-on screen. My heart was pounding, my eyes flooded. “The moment of truth” I whispered.

I woke up.


Nov 17 2009

the saga.

Its not often that you hear of a series being called a saga. Just the thought of it makes one think more of Star Troopers & Vulcans, than of say, Vampires? I swore to myself years back that I would neverever get pulled into this series wait saga. But well, flashforward from 2006 to last thursday {12november09} and my perspective glimmers with a bit of change. I had heard so many people bellowing about their excitement for New Moon to come out on 20november09 that well, I though I would give it a chance – I mean, I enjoyed the movie, the book couldn’t be that bad right?

So, I pulled up the county library website & reserved the first book, Twilight. I really didn’t expect myself to get pulled into it, when I picked up the book on Friday I counted the pages, “512, I though, should be a quick read”. I sat down and began to read. Before long I noticed that there were far more pages behind me, than ahead. I put down the book and scanned my room for the clock, I stared in amazement. It was FOUR AM. seriouslyguysshutup.

Although, I have rarely gotten into books many that are soooo clearly fiction, this book series, saga – whatever, drew me in. It had me captivated. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from it other than to do things that needed to be done, you know like, interviews {which I rocked by the way}, and ummm… bodily functions. I haven’t been this drawn into a book since The Da Vinci Code and Lord of the Rings – Its been years since I could finish a book of this magnitude in less than a 24 hour span. I sit here nose deep into Eclipse {I will be done tomorrow!!} when I only picked it up hours ago from the lib.

I have never been much for a vampire novel, the thought of dungeons, coffins, blood thirsty vampires kind-of drew me away from these types of books. I have always been more into the type of practical reading – you know the stories that could be true. Things that could, you know, actually happen. But something someone connected me with this. My mind continually makes little nuances of connections with Bella Swan. In so many ways this character portrays a lot of my little life. Though my parents are not divorced, and I don’t live in a little town in Washington. I sure do have Bella’s uncanny capability to end up in the ER by tripping over ones own feet – on flat ground. I too have enough scars that I honestly can’t remember where half of them came from. I may not be in love with a vampire or a werewolf – or have two men vying for my undying love – well, that I know of, but I do have my own Jacob. Who also seems to run with a temperature of 108. Even on the coldest of nights he has me sweating in his loving grip. I may not have strangers lurking around every corner ready & waiting to make my heart stop beating. However, I do have my man that tends to stop it daily when he sweeps me off my feet. I’ve been broken a time or two, but time too has healed those wounds. He can just as easily set my mind of track with just a look into his eyes. He is my future, I know of nothing else, he is my life. I LOVE YOU EDWARD CULLEN/ROBERT PATTINSON, erm um… SAWYER JACOB PANGBORN – one of you better marry me.

Where was I? Sorry, I tend to trail of on tangents. I love this series. I have hopelessly gone down the rabbit hole when I picked up the first book. Stephenie Meyer is a great writer, she keeps you guessing page after page – even if it leaves you screaming at Bella that she is stupid for being in Love with two mortal enemies & can’t just make up her mind and keeps hurting them both. I really hope she {Meyer} changes her mind and decides to release the next book {even though part of it was leaked} – I am dying to continue to read into the little world of the Cullen family & Bella Swan. I am intrigued.

Well, I am off to finish Eclipse. Looks like a long wait on Breaking Dawn… maybe I’ll just have to break down & buy this one… I hope to have it finished before the release of New Moon on Friday, good thing I don’t have much going on this week! (:

I am addicted – so what? Bite me.


Nov 16 2009

waking up.

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”