blast from the past thursday.

Its August 2004, My life has changed dramatically over the summer, I am no longer the person that I was four months ago. No longer in “self destruct mode”. I am taking active steps towards health, towards a real chance at life. I am going to church, I am sober, I am stable, I am eating, I am not exercising 4 hours a day, I am not part of the old cottonwood cliques. I participating in life & not letting it run me over. I am no longer in dance or cheer (thats another story for another day). I am a senior now, and am going to be starting a new school in the next few days.

Its September now, I hate it here. I feel at times like I am one of the few that is actively working on my spirituality. I was elected by the staff to run a small group of the sophomore girls. I am amazed, out of the 3 girls in the class – why me? I am new, they have been here for years. I would be only a few weeks before I figured out why they were not chosen for this responsibility. Daniel is the only one I can trust, He knows my past, he knows why I am here. There is the boy in my study hall, he’s geeky like me, I swear that he is trying to show off his skills. I like him. Minor flaw, he’s taken.

Its November now, I am not really liked by my class. With only 10 of us, it tends to complicate things. I had been invited to drinking parties, after turning them down a few times I became an outcast. I still have Daniel, I have my small group, and I have that boy from study hall – we’ve started to talk a lot now. We are friends, its good to have someone new in my life that I can talk to. His girlfriend hates me, I try to ignore it, there is nothing there, there can’t be.

Its February, his girlfriend has come to me, she wants a mentor. I oblige, however part of me knows this could get difficult. Our class has just began planning our senior trip. People are getting cruel, I have been the subject of very rude statements & pranks. I am hurt, I can’t even being to explain the pain. I want, I desire, I need hope. Only two people stand up for me Daniel, and that geeky boy.

Its April, we are making our finally preparations for our trip to Florida. That geeky boy became a really good friend. A confidant.

Its June, we are officially out of school forever! Well, until college starts up in August. all of us are going our separate ways. I have chosen to go to school up in Minnesota and will be leaving at the beginning of August.

It’s December 2005, things have been rocky being on the end of the relationship triad with that geeky boy & being a mentor to his girlfriend. I was told some things by her, secrets, things that would break that geeky mans heart. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t allow such pain to be inflicted to him. I had to tell him. I knew things would never be the same again. Maybe I would be losing 2 friends, I didn’t care. I couldn’t keep such a heart wrenching secret from him.

Its nearing 9 pm on Christmas Eve, we hadn’t spoken in a few weeks since I broke him the news. I had heard through the gossip channels that they were over. I get an email from him, my jaw dropped. I never thought that I would hear from him again. After all; who doesn’t shot the messenger these days? He wanted to met up. I reluctantly agreed. Part of me needed to get out of the house even though I had only be home for a few days. We talked, it was real, like we had just barely met, from the weather to the gut wrenching parts of our being. Part of me ached when we separated ways for the night. He was like forbidden fruit. And I wanted more, I felt whole when I was with him, He couldn’t actually feel the same, right?

Its Christmas Day, I got another email – he thanked me for meeting him the night before, he also asked me to join him & his family for Christmas desert & to watch a video he had received as a gift. My heart skipped a beat. Could this be real? I nearly leaped to my car and speed across town to his home. We sat awkwardly on opposite ends of his basement couch and watched “The Island.” Honestly, I couldn’t even remember what the movie was about, I was too busy attempting to analyze his every move. Our bodies suddenly next to each other, I didn’t even notice or remember who moved, but all of a sudden, his arm was around me. All in one moment, the negative feelings towards myself drifted away. I felt safe.

Its New Years Eve, the dawn of 2006 lays before me. I am back in Minnesota, I am lost in my own emotions. I want him, I need him. But am I emotionally strong enough for along distance relationship? My heart felt torn, how could someone love another so much that they could handle being apart from them? The words didn’t sound sane. Wouldn’t one do everything they could to be next to them? The words wear foul in my own mind. I had to empty this out of my mind before I lost myself further down the rabbit hole. I wrote him a letter, not all happy-go-lucky-I-love-you type either mind you. Eight pages later I was exhausted, I felt naked. He must never see this I thought, my heart ignored all convictions.

Its January 25th, Its my half birthday, I am on a flight home to see him. He meets me at the airport with flowers & lifted me from the ground as he lay a kiss on my wind chapped lips. Today was the day that we confirmed that we were “official”.

Its February 2oth, I am back in Minnesota, my entire body aching to see him, to smell him. I have had a scary past 24 hours, off which I spent about 14 of those in the ER. The cold, the stress, my asthma & pneumonia landed me unable to breathe, he saved my life, he called for help, even though I was over 2000 miles away. He forever will be my hero.

It’s June now, I am packing all of my belongs to make the trek back to Utah. I decided to attend the U of U for the rest of my education, there are two reasons for this a) being 120k in debt for a social work degree didn’t taste well b) being close to him would make my life much more pleasurable. I’ll leave your precious minds to determine the weight of each.

Fast forward to December 2007, we have made the leap. The Lord has a brought us together for more than just a passing in each others lives. We began courting. He also surprised me with a promise ring. With the exception of a heart wrenching stint in spring 2008 it has not left my finger.It someday will become part of my wedding ring ensemble.