Oct 30 2009

reject.

UGH. Today sucked. Seriously. I have been waiting for the past NINE days to hear from hr about this awesome position that I applied for & had a second interview with & was totally on the ledge thinking I had it in the bag. wrong-o. so, I am getting ready to leave work and get the dreaded email from hr stating:

Dear Kate K.

We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer a canidate for the position of pediatric IV tech. You have no usable skill sets, or assets that we could use and are just really lame. You suck. Good luck finding another job!

Love HR.

Ok, so it wasn’t completely like that. I may have added a few emotional comments that were not necessarily in that email, but seriously, getting that rejection was the preverbal nail in my coffin. Last thing I really needed this week.

Who wouldn’t want me? I am awesome (and have really awesome shoes, and totally sport scrubs better than half of those other ladies out there…). RIGHT? right? guys…


Oct 30 2009

today is a new day.

So many things on my mind today, and right now, I sure don’t like it. Last night was a struggle for me, and its only the beginning. I need change. I don’t want to change. But I sure need it. Its hard. It always is, isn’t it? I guess I just really need to shapeuporshipout, to put it bluntly. Confrontation sucks. It seriously gives me an asthma attack just thinking about it. But body is revolted by the fact that someone (or many people) think what they do. And its all my fault. I put myself into this hole, and now that people notice, I just keep digging. suck.

I have been digging myself into this hole for the past 10 years of my life. I thought that I was strong enough to quit whenever I wanted. I went into remission for a few months at a time, but the moment a big stressor came up, I would lapse back into these habits. I am battling. I won’t give up, I can’t. I want to survive, I do. I feel fat. I can’t see past that when I look in the mirror. Or when I


Oct 29 2009

be kind.

I ran across this postsecret today, It really seems to hit me.


Oct 29 2009

three.

3 Random thoughts I


Oct 28 2009

lady in waiting

I hate abhore waiting. I am probably one of the most impatient people on the planet. Why you say? Because I am a) not in control of the situation b) I have no bloody idea what the consensus is going to be – will it be wait I have been so eagerly anxiously praying and hoping, and dying for? Or will it be just another bead on the strands of let downs and broken hopes in my life?

I have this love-hate-relationship with emotions lately. They have been everywhere, worse than a pregnant mamma looking for where that last morsel of chocolate was… And it shows, not just in my chalk-board slate open book of a face & actions, but my room. Wow. its a disaster, the cleanliness of it seems to parallel my mood. Some days its so immaculately clean you could perform surgery in it and have the least bit of concern of sepsis. Other days, it doesn’t just look like a crash, or an explosion – no, it looks like it was rumbled from its neatly organized place by an earthquake, then lifted and tossed several miles from its origination via a wind tunnel, then it was spread everywhere by the post tsunami wake.

The anxiety is killing me. Eating me from inside. It’s been over a week. And really all I want to know is if I need to keep sitting on these eggs waiting for them to hatch. Or if the second I turn my back, they’ll be gone. Thrown into the stream by my master because they really were just fake inpregnantion of my body’s nature, nay desire?

So I sit here, fidgety, anxious, waiting.

And no, I will not do your laundry.